We are crawling here, folks.

Five months left and we are crawling to the finish line.

These 26 months are our marathon, and we've hit a wall at month 21.

It's so hard for me to write. The whole process is filled with extreme highs and lows. Our news is either really exciting, due to some amazing experience we've had as the result of being a part of the pediatric cancer family, or it is really depressing and repetitious. One sounds like we are bragging and the other is just sad. How many times do people want to hear that Ellie isn't doing well? I mean, she's almost at the end, she should be getting better, right?

Not necessarily.

The only way most of you know what is going on is if I write it. By not sharing, I'm not educating about what cancer is really like for a family. Even the "good" cancer. Puke. There is no good cancer. I'm tired of pretending that just because Ellie will get through this doesn't mean that it is still hard. That is why I am writing now. Cancer treatment still controls our family and it's just as unpleasant as it was a year ago.

Ellie's body is struggling. For the first time in over a year she is on a chemo hold. Her platelets are low and the doctors won't let her continue with treatment until she rebounds. On one hand this is great news because she went a whole year in Maintenance without a hold. But on the other, it's extremely frustrating because she is so close to the end and is now having complications.

She is losing her hair again. She's not bald, but it's thin enough that we need to cut it. For all intensive purposes she will be starting over. Within the past month, Ellie has had a cold, two different strands of the flu and a respiratory infection. We were in the ER just before Christmas due to the flu, back again at the New Year and again yesterday afternoon. Three ER visits in exactly four weeks. Ellie's visit yesterday happened about two hours after we came home from her regularly scheduled treatment in the morning.

This is not going to let up until she is finished. On top of the grueling year that 2016 was for Ellie, in 2017 she received chemotherapy for 365 days. Ellie gets treatment every single day, and her body is absolutely worn out. Steroid weeks, the weeks where she goes to the hospital for extra chemo and then starts a steroid pulse, we just survive those. Nothing productive happens for anyone and life basically stops to tend to Ellie.

Ellie's wish, granted by the Make-A-Wish organization, was to see animals at the San Diego Zoo. It was supposed to happen in March, but we made the decision yesterday to postpone it until her treatment is over. It is absolutely the best decision, but it is still disappointing.

While most people have been amazing to Ellie and our family, we have been hurt by some. It's hard to not receive grace when you desperately need it most. Especially when the lack of grace and love is coming from Christians. Many months later we still have a lot of hurt feelings. The pain is still raw and the situation hard to grasp. The opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy, and we experienced that firsthand.

These are the lowest lows and we are in another low right now. To balance these out though, there are highs. In 2017...
- we took a family vacation to Orlando
- we spent time with family in North Carolina
- we met Hope at the Clearwater Marine Aquarium, complete with a behind the scenes tour
- we participated in the Children's Cancer Center Gelatin Plunge
- we visited Quantum Leap farms several times with 1Voice Foundation
- Ellie participated in a photo shoot for the CCC and Panera Bread's Scholarship Foundation
- we celebrated Eva's 9th, Nora's 6th and Ellie's 4th birthdays
- we went on a family cruise together and swam with stingrays
- we celebrated Thanksgiving in North Carolina
- we rode the Zamboni at a Lightning game

So yes, good, fun things have happened. But not without a price. The stress is debilitating at times. We are all exhausted. It's evident that all five of us just want this horrible ordeal to be over.

June 9, 2018...we are crawling to meet you.